(on the error-os arrow-boy)

yea, lord, your power is great.
with all the wind of fortune you fill the sails of endless ships
you carry them each to disaster for you carry
each to the wreck of self on the toothed shoal of another
be the teeth hidden by waves or bare
with the bodies of sailors lodged and rotting in every cruel gap.
be the shore beyond inviting or disdainful

lord, your power is mighty
for you turn the wheels that grind the world's grist
you scatter the chaff of desire like filth upon the ground
you have gathered of us seeds unspeakable for your flour
you scatter our lives like filth upon the ground
you grease your turning stones with blood that we weep
and call carelessly for more grease

the mills of the gods grind slowly
for they grind exceedingly fine
the bread of the gods gives life
life to some other world
we don't live there

lord, your fires are exceedingly white
and the heat of them has melted great dross away
him who is made of dross is destroyed
and he who has metal is changed beyond recognition
beaten by blows into the shape of another's purpose
made worthy to live a life he would not have chosen

we are the seed you crush, we are the chaff you throw away
i submit me lord to your power for i can do no other.

I see with my human eyes oh lord
the seething hungry rocks your winds have driven me to,
I see oh lord the the shore
so lovely with unstomachable fruit.
if I am to be destroyed by your flames
work the bellows lord and let them tower
if my life can give life to a world I can't live in,
make your bread, and feed the world of your choosing



"Oh love that fires the sun, keep me burning"

Last Night

Rather late last night I walked into the kitchen, and discovered Reid sitting alone. He was listening to music on the big speakers, and just seemed quiet. On a whim, and from a long train of thoughts that I didn't mention, I asked him what he thought the essence of Christianity was. Ridiculous Gutenbergean question that that is. After protesting a little bit about the unfairness of the question (perfectly justified), he went all quiet again for a while.


In the end he surprised me He just said mercy. Then after another pause he gave a long definition involving merit and ability and it was rather a run on sentence and I wasn't surprised anymore. But it was food for thought. The mercy part.

Sad Clown

This was a crying sort of night. It came after a gnashing-of-teeth sort of day. I spent most of the evening in Tuesday Night Class On Wednesday, and helping a bunch of freshmen cook things in the kitchen. They all wore aprons. It was so cute. I like them. And also in the coldest, most people-less places I could find. Because acting happy sucks.

'Say how's the weather, so I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain
That keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"'
(Jars of Clay)


Fortunately it was rainy, cold, and dark in Eugene today, so I had the right backdrop.

Its so weird. It's not at all easy to admit you aren't God. But it solves sooo many problems. Except I still don't know how I should treat the people I will be sharing the universe with tomorrow morning. That bothers me. But I think (now) that I will live.

"Peter Pan will save me."

Note

On the way back from church today, I saw a yellow house. Calling it a yellow house might mislead you. The truth is it was a yellow house with sun shining around it, and clouds smeared above it. The clouds were so high and thin that they sharpened the blue. There was also wind, which is important because the lawn had gone wild and was all restless. A tree in the front yard was restless too, and leaves were scattering from it one by one. In the driveway an old man and and old woman were sitting in lawn chairs. They were watching traffic and you could telling even from the car that they were laughing and talking. They both had white hair, mussed up in the wind. That's what kind of house I mean. It was sitting in all this, and was bright yellow.

Seven

I just saw the movie Seven with Karl and a couple other people. I would like to point out the fact that though most of the people who watched it did so because Karl decided to watch a movie, Karl left before it started and didn't come back. Ha. Ironical world.

Seven was pretty disturbing. I had never seen it before. Through a fog of disturbtion that hasn't quiet settled yet, I think I think it was a good movie. The killer pointed out that people treat horrible things as normal or innocent when they are apathetic and cease to care what's good and what's not. This plus the fact that the old cop had spent the whole film wondering whether he should give into the apathy of the general public and (apathetically) quite his work (this being the 'bad' option). It makes me think that the film makers were in some sense agreeing with the killer. And even agreeing with his method (disgusting murders aside); they did what he was trying to do. They made a shocking spectacle that, possible, would make you reassess your normal life.

The mind boggling twist is that the young cop, the only person other than the killer who is firmly against evil, turns out to be one of the sins as well. And in a way, this is true to life. No matter how good anyone tries to be, they are going to wind up committing vileness. It's the warp and woof of our natures.

The main thing that makes me dislike this movie is that it's world is limited to these select truths. The world is a twisted screwed up place, all people have sin, and apathy is wrong, all that I can agree with, but there's more to life than that. There is a way out of sin and out of the corruption we exhale that is more than burying your head in the sand.

I read the Brothers K this summer and got obsessed with it, so I'm going to throw a quote at the problem without explaining myself anymore.

"'You take too many sins upon yourself' mother used to weep. 'Dear mother, my joy, I am weeping from gladness not from grief; I want to be guilty before them, only I cannot explain it to you, for I do not even know how to love them. Let me be sinful before everyone, but so that everyone will forgive me, and that is paradise. Am I not in paradise now?'"

So maybe I think this isn't a good movie? hm. It could be applauded for getting the situation right, but it also implies that there is no solution, which I don't think is true. Which is worse? Telling an outright lie, or telling a misleading truth?

Good or bad, I know this is not a movie I would watch for fun. Or again, anytime soon.

Subterfuge

Ask them what your name is.
Do whatever they say.
The darkest subterfuge, the deepest secret lie,
is in you asking;
they wont understand that they didn't tell you.