The god-like Camus

This last weekend I spent obsessing over the god-like Camus for my thesis. He called himself an Absurdist, and one of the main themes in his writing is, naturally, the Absurd. When he talks about life being Absurd, he doesn't mean that everything is a crazy and nothing matters. He means that humans must live as if there is meaning, but that the universe is meaningless (or humans must live rationally and the universe cannot ultimately be captured by rationality). He seems to be saying that the best way to live in such a world is to continually be aware of both the ultimate irrationality of the universe and, at the same time, to continually revolt against that meaningless-ness in the creation of human meaning. The true temptation, in this world, is to be lured away from awareness of this disjunction between what is human and what is ultimate. This can be either by ignoring the irrationality of the universe and believing only the meaning humans create, or by ignoring human meaning and saying that everything is completely irrational. The point, for him, was to live in both, without letting go of either.

Camus and I live in different worlds and believe quiet different things, but I resonate to this. It seems as though there are similar incongruities in the world I live in. As a Christian, I want to do what is right, or to do the will of God. As a human I also know that it is always possible that I am mistaken in my understanding of what that is. If I let go of either, I will fail. Or to put it another way- Our knowledge of the world is always incomplete and indefinite, but we are constantly having to make definite actions. What gets you through? In my life, so far, it seems as though you just have to guess and act and hope for the best.

I lived in these thoughts like a body all weekend (or maybe they were living me). Tuesday or Wednesday I wound up holding Baby for Janelle (for about an hour?). She fell asleep in my arms. The question presented itself to me then, walking back and forth; how can this be doubted? How is any uncertainty possible? She smiled in her sleep.

I don't know how to resolve all this.